mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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