Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
