i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
