There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
