Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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