If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
as a side note pls kill me
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