i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
