you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
