I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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