Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
