I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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