I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Randomize
