My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
