By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
