I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
whose parrot is this?
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Randomize
