I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
