we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
So many bounce houses so little time
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Randomize
