why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
