Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Randomize