You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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