the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
