Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Randomize
