I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
