I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I pour the whiskey from now on
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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