After last night, I could never be a politician.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
