Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize