I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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