my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
