my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
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