FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
