Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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