WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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