i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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