I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Randomize
