remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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