The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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