nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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