I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
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