This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
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