I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Randomize
