I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
