So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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