eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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