please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
