I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
