Umm I'm too high to move.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
