I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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