Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
