A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
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