It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
