my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Randomize
