if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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