ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
