i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
