winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
