Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Randomize
