YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
