Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Randomize
