Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
