Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Randomize
