I faked an abortion last night.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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