there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I deserve this hangover.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Randomize
