Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Randomize
