How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
