I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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