first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
