You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
